ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sick of it all I'm really having a day ~ actually, it's been a week, from hell. The kids were atrocious all week and I had a knock down, drag out fight with a now former friend. My patience is really being tested lately and it's failing. Sometimes I just get so tired of it all. I get tired of people being against me. I'm not such a bad person. I may not be the nicest person in the world all the time, or the easiest to get along with, but I'd like to think I'm decent, moral and selfless. I try to live life the way I believe is right. I don't hurt other people. I don't steal, cheat or lie. I'd like to think of myself as a giving person. Maybe that's the problem... I try too hard. I give too much. I try to be a friend to people. I try to reach out and express a genuine interest in being a supportive, loving friend. When I'm rejected, used or betrayed ~ I hurt. I bleed. I cry. But I'm human, as well. When my buttons are pushed, I get angry. Don't we all? I hate being considered oversensitive when things upset me. How can I change things that upset me? If they upset me, they upset me. That's that. Why is it up to other people to judge what's an appropriate reaction for me to have to particular situations? Is that fair? I hate when it's held against me when I lash out in anger. Doesn't everyone? It seems everytime I open up to someone, I also open myself up to criticism. Either for my feelings, my thoughts or my opinions. Isn't that what friends are for? Being able to tell them when something is bothering you? Especially if it involves them? I'm to the point now where I'm choosing not to speak anymore. As John Mayer says, "I just want to be liked. I just want to be funny. I'd rather be a mystery... I'll never speak again." People find fault in everything I say. I try to be my own person and people construe it as "weird". I'm considered unpredictable because I have highs and lows. Doesn't everyone? Who's on the same keel all the time? And why should I have to be, in order to earn acceptance from a friend? Aren't friends supposed to love unconditionally? I don't expect perfection from my friends, just consideration of my feelings. I get hurt when people feel they have to fabricate stories in order to make themselves look like the victim in a particular situation. I guess they sit down and realize that maybe they played a bigger role in the blame than they originally thought. Maybe that's why they have to say things to make me look bad ~ because the truth reveals that maybe, just maybe I had reason to be upset. And maybe other people would see it that way, too. I mean... who wouldn't be upset when plans get changed right out from under them without so much as a phone call? Especially when you rearrange your schedule to accomodate someone. Your husband and friends even rearrange their schedules. Obviously there's more to this, but you don't want to hear and it and frankly, I'm tired of telling it. I'm not looking for affirmation as to who's right or wrong. I believe I am, she believes she is. What it boils down to, is this: a friendship is over. It was once a great and strong union and now it's over. Frankly, I don't want it or need it back. It's too big a source of stress for me. I'm sure she feels the same way. It's sad, but we just don't mesh. She brings out the worst in me. When I'm with her and especially when I'm confronted by her, I feel like I'm a catty twelve year old again. I don't suppose any of this makes much sense. It's just something I wanted to get off my chest. I bet it'll be met with criticism, too. I'm tired of trying. 4:18 a.m. - 2003-03-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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