ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why the walls are closing in... It appears that tag-board.com is no more. I wondered why my diary was so slow to load and why my chat box wasn't appearing for the last day or so. Now I know why. I'm a little pissed off, because I had just upgraded to "enhanced", so that was all for nothing. At least you, the readers, don't have those pesky pop-ups to deal with anymore. I'm going to search for another chat box that I can actually get to show up and format correctly on my page. UPDATE! I got one! See below! Now for the news... I apologize for the vague entry of despair yesterday. Thank you to all of you who sent emails inquiring as to my well being. You're all the best. Everything is really starting to take its toll on my sanity. If any of you are tired of hearing me complain, this isn't something you'll want to read. I've been a stay-at-home mom for almost eight years. Kevin and I made the decision years before we had children, that I would stay home with them. It's really all I've ever wanted to do. I knew it would be difficult and I was prepared to deal with every aspect of parenting. What I wasn't prepared for, was having a child with special needs. Most of you know my story. Most of you know all about Evan and his long history of battling the illness from which he suffers. The past five years have been a roller coaster ride, complete with highs, lows and tons of uncertainty. It's been heartbreaking, painful, frightening and maddening as hell, for all of us. As if it wasn't enough to deal with one child with this infliction, whatever it may be, there's a possibility I may have two. At Jameson's last check-up, his pediatrician said she thinks he may have a form of autism. I've yet to take him to a neurologist to be officially diagnosed, because ... Well, I'm just not sure why. One reason, I think, is because I'm hoping against hope that he simply outgrows this. I think alot of his behavior is simply a mimicking of what he sees big brother do. He thinks Evan's behavior is acceptable and standard. He knows no other way. Another reason I hesitate in seeing a specialist, is because I believe school is working wonders for Jameson. I hate to get him into the system, have labels placed on him when there may be nothing wrong with him. The doctor the pediatrician recommends is one with whom we�ve dealt with Evan. I don�t care for him. Although he comes highly recommended by many, he treated Evan like a number. He never tried to get to the heart of his problems, but instead threw medication at him, as if Evan were a pharmaceutical guinea pig. The medications made him depressed, belligerent, psychotic and suicidal. Do you have any idea what it�s like to hear a four year old tell you he hates life and wants to kill himself? I can�t stand the thought of Jameson on medication, as well. I will avoid it as long as humanly possible, if not indefinitely. But his behavior is taking its toll on the entire family, as Evan�s continues to. I don't have the options most parents do. Threats of punishment mean absolutely nothing to these children. Spanking makes them more violent. Taking away of privileges only makes them more combative. They have complete control over me and they know it. There are days when things go well. They behave acceptablly and react to discipline like normal kids. But most of the time, they run me. They do as they please and only laugh and talk back when asked to do what I say. They call me names that would embarrass a sailor and abuse me physically. They have no respect for our belongings or one another. It seems like every two minutes, I�m separating them from scratching, punching, kicking or slapping each other. They deliberately torture each other by saying things that irritate the hell out of them. One is always nit-picking, the other always screaming and tattling. It�s only a matter of time before Griffin joins in on the fun. Hearing the constant fighting is draining every bit of life right out of me. There�s also no end to the mess around here. I work my ass off to clean something and two minutes later, it�s destroyed again. Literally. I turn my back for a second only to find what I just cleaned, a mess again. It�s never-ending cycle. Add to the mix a husband who is OCD about cleanliness and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can only work so hard. Some of the things the kids do are petty and minuscule. Like Griffin pounding on my computer until it spazzes out and I have to reboot. No big deal, right? No, it�s not, except that it happens constantly. While he�s fucking up my computer for the umpteenth time in a day, Jameson is pulling all the contents of my kitchen cabinets and lining them up on the floor. Evan is throwing a fit because I won�t pay him for picking up his dirty clothes. While I reboot the computer, Griffin is fingerpainting the walls with the contents of his diaper. After I give him a bath, wipe down or repaint the walls, Jameson has snuck down to the basement and let the cats up, one of whom has puked on the carpet. While I�m collecting the cats and putting them back downstairs, Griffin is stepping in the cat puke and dragging it all over the carpet. Evan is calling me lazy because I haven�t had a chance to give back the toy he lost yesterday for whacking Jameson across the back with it. Jameson is now throwing a fit because I won�t let him go outside in the thunderstorm. During Griffin�s third bath of the day, the older children are busy trying to kill each other. While I referee that fight, Griffin is coloring on the wall with the crayons that Evan refused to pick up because I wouldn�t pay him $5 to do so. I could go on and on. See what I mean? There is absolutely no letup around here. I get no break. Even after I�ve sent the kids to bed, it doesn�t stop. Griffin cries to be let out of his crib, Evan and Jameson fight over who gets which stuffed animal to sleep with and I have an entire days worth of mess to clean. Things between Kevin and me border on volatile most of the time. I walk on eggshells around him because he flies off the handle so easily. He�s wonderful about helping when I ask him to or playing with the kids... when he�s in the right mood. When he�s not - look out. I�m tired of having to run defense for the kids when Kevin gets in one of his moods. I tend to side with the kids when they really don�t deserve defense, simply because Kevin takes things far too seriously. He screams bloody fucking murder when the kids leave a toy on the floor. Can you imagine what he�ll do the first time one of the kids sets fire to the living room carpet or throws a baseball through a window? For years, I bowed down to Kevin. I passively allowed him to bully and blame me for things. I was young and hopelessly in love and thought since he was so much older... he must be right and I must be wrong. Once I grew a spine, I started to realize that maybe, just maybe I was right once in awhile. I started to stand up to Kevin and stand my ground. Unfortunately, I sometimes take it too far. I go too far the other way to prove my point and I end up yelling and screaming and sounding just like him. We fight so much, it�s unhealthy. It�s a horrible example for the kids and does us no good, either. I�m always the one to apologize to Kevin, even when it simply isn�t my wrongdoing. I do it to keep peace and all it does is empower Kevin more into thinking he has the upper hand in this relationship. This is all so stressful for me. The kids, the house, the new house, Kevin and my lack of time for myself. My health is being compromised. I have so many things that need medical attention, but they all take a back seat to my family�s needs and all the work that needs to be done around here. My priorities to myself get further and further back in line. There are days when I don't get to shower until 5pm or eat a decent meal because I just can�t take the time to do so. I feel like half a person. I�m a mommy (a bad one), a wife (a bad one), a maid (a bad one) and a slave. I�m not Linda anymore. But I watch my kids sleeping and I realize how lucky I am to have them. I�ve never seen three more beautiful human beings. I have three physically perfect, healthy children. So many people would give everything they own to have a child of their own. I have three. Three who were conceived easily and effortlessly. I�m crazy, sleep deprived, abused and frazzled with them, but without them, I�d be lost. I�d be searching for them all my life. Sorry this got so long. I have so much on my mind and I really feel so alone. I don't feel as if anyone understands me at all. Sure, all mommies have these issues to deal with, but I feel as if I have it worse because of the illnesses/possible illnesses that plague our family. I sometime don�t think I have the strength to go on. I�d love to have a break. But there isn�t one in sight. I can't even take five minutes to put my feet up, because I'm constantly being beckoned to fetch yet another cup of juice, another video or to make something appear that doesn't even exist. Thanks again to all of you who worried about me and took the time to say so. I�ll be fine, I promise. 11:08 a.m. - 2003-07-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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