ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary

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I Believe...

I don't normally quote song lyrics in my diaries, mainly because I find it somewhat sappy, but tonight I'm breaking from tradition and doing just that...

"I BELIEVE" by Diamond Rio

Every now and then

Soft as breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again

And it's like you haven't been gone

A moment from my side

Like the tears were never cried

Like the hands of time were holding

You and me

And with all my heart I'm sure

We're closer than we ever were

I don't have to hear or see

I have all the proof I need

There are more than angels

Watching over me, I believe

Oh, I believe that when you die

Your life goes on

It doesn't end here when you're gone

Every soul is filled with light

It never ends

If I'm right, our love can even reach across eternity, I believe

Oh I believe

Forever you're a part of me

Forever in the heart of me

And I will hold you even longer

If I can

Oh the people who don't see the most

See that I believe in ghosts

And if that makes me crazy

Then I am, 'cause I believe

Every now and then

Soft as breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again

And I believe ...

It's me again. From the first time I heard that song, I couldn't get through a note of it without falling to pieces. I've never heard a more appropriate and meaningful song to describe Tony.

Two and a half years after his death, I still can't come to terms with his being gone. It's a pain like none I've ever felt. It's deep, it's strong and it's overwhelming at times. I can't even begin to imagine how Michele picked up the pieces of her life and moved on.

But she did.

She's remarried. She believes that Tony and her father, who passed away shortly after Tony did, hand-picked her new husband and sent him to her. I believe this. I don't however, believe or agree with the sudden burst of Christianity that Michele embraced a few years before Tony's death. I found it hypocritical and inappropriate, knowing what I did about her. But maybe it was to help prepare her for the grief that would soon be unleashed upon her. Was it a sign from a higher being? That, I don't know. I don't know what I believe, if anything, about religion, Christianity in particular. What I know about it could be written on the head of a pin. I embrace no beliefs, nor teachings. But I do believe in angels.

And I believe that Tony is one and that he's watching over Michele and helping her move forward with her life.

I admire Michele's strength and I'm grateful she has it, from where ever it comes. I'm grateful she has someone in her life who understands there will be rough days, when she is again devasted at the thought of Tony's tragic death. Since October 14, 2000 at 11:55am, when Tony left this earth, Michele has also had to endure the loss of her father, a beloved uncle, a grandfather and Tony's own father, with whom Michele was close. I can't imagine attempting to bear such a burden of heartache and she's come through it, seemingly unscathed.

So why do I resent her? I know why... I've gotten upset over something that is in no way my business. You're saying, "What else is new, Linda?!" That's what I do, butt my nose into other people's affairs. This is no different.

The situation is this: Michele is pregnant. She and her new husband desperately want a baby and soon they'll have one. While I'm thrilled for her, at the same time, I have to wonder... Why this sudden desire to have a child? Michele never wanted kids with Tony. She was adament. Tony so wanted a child of his own, if not a houseful of them. He loved kids and was so good with them. He treated Evan so well when they were together and Evan took an instant liking to Tony.

Michele denied Tony the opportunity to bring a child of his own into the world and now his name has died with him. He was the only child of his parents, the father of whom is also gone. It's sad.

I know, I know... there are far more serious things to worry about. Things that actually pertain to me, not someone who I only know casually and to whom I hardly talk anymore.

But it bothers me.

Today was a rough day for me emotionally. I felt weepy and reminescent. A quick check of the calendar told me it wasn't PMS, the usual culprit for my being emotionally inept. I guess I just haven't yet worked through the grief I feel over the world losing someone as special as Tony. Michele is handling her grief, presumably because it was stronger and was staring her in the face 24/7, whereas my grief was here on a part time basis. Life still went on around me and I could work around it. I stole moments away from Kevin and the boys to look at old racing videos and pictures of Tony. I shed my tears, then filed the memories neatly away until the next time I felt the need to surround myself with them. I feel like I haven't grieved fully yet.

Maybe that's why it still hurts so very much.

11:41 p.m. - 2003-07-09

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