ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It hurts to think! Kevin's coming home tonight. I don't think I've ever looked so forward to him coming home. All in all, the kids have been pretty good, but it's been a non-stop adventure taking care of them alone. I have a newfound respect for single parents. Things would be alot easier if Griffin wasn't into every damn thing. I can't turn my back on him for two seconds. I gave him a bath last night, then turned him loose in the playroom while I bathed the other kids. He kept coming up behind me and throwing things into the bath tub as I bathed Evan and Jameson. No matter how I tried to keep up, I couldn't. He's too fast. One thing he threw in was Evan's Butt Ugly Martian. I feel so politically incorrect calling them that! Maybe they should be known as "Rectally Asthetically Challenged Martian-Americans". There. That sounds more flattering. Anyway, the... toy got ruined when it landed in the water and can no longer make the "soaring into space" sound it once did. Man, I should've thrown it in the tub a long time ago. I went to a new scrapbooking store the other day. They just opened and I hope they do a good business and stick around awhile! Not only do they have a great selection of supplies, but they have half their store set up for scrappers to work, right there in the store. For $2 an hour, or $1 on hour on Wednesdays, you can sit at the tables they have set up, use their equipment, their idea books and have everything else you need available to purchase right there. They sell snacks and give away prizes. I can't wait to go sometime! I've had so much on my mind lately that I can't seem to articulate. I worry about my decision to leave Kevin and move to California. Evan has been very upset by my decision to leave, understandably. I want to do what's best for everyone. Either way, someone will get hurt. Either way, I'll get hurt, but I'm more concerned about the people I care about than myself. I just don't know which way to turn. I have a non-stop barrage of "point/counterpoint" going on in my head... "I should leave, because... " "But if I leave, then ... " "But if I stay ... " "But if I leave ... " It goes on and on, especially when I'm trying to sleep. I want to cover my ears so I can't hear all the arguments in my head. I wish I knew the answer. I've never been good at making decisions. This is a symptom of depression - being indecisive. All decisions, big and small perplex and confuse the depressed person. Everything from what to order in a restaurant to life altering decisions like whether to stay with a man you love but can't live with, or whether to go to California and leave the only life you've ever known and a child you're head over heels in love with. I can't think anymore. My head hurts from thinking. There is so much more to this story. Details that make it all the more complicated. I'm sure if you think about it really hard, you can figure out what I'm talking about without my having to say it. Because I just don't have the strength to spell it out. I need a lobotomy so I don't have to think anymore. 10:32 a.m. - 2002-11-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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