ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LONG entry... my happy/sad day I had a really nice day. We took the kids to a new mall that opened in West County. It was actually Kevin's suggestion, if you can believe that. Note to self: take double stroller to Once Upon a Child and SELL!! The wheels on this thing never point in the right direction and I am absolutely worn out from manuevering that thing through a crowded mall, even though Kevin and I took turns pushing it. Jameson is a tad heavy for it, even though he's well within the weight limit for it. I think if we ever venture out again like that, I'll invest in a good single stroller for Griffin and allow Jameson to walk. He loves to run away from me, so this will prove to be a challenge. Anyway... We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant in the food court, then I walked through some clothing stores trying to find an outfit for my concert Tuesday night. Pffftt... Clothes shopping has never been fun for me. Even when I was thin (yes! I really did used to be thin!) I was always too broke to shop. Then when I was able to spend a little more freely, I was overweight. Everyone who struggles with their weight knows that shopping for fat clothes is no fun. You want to wear stylish clothes, but obviously you won't look the same in a size 24 that the other girls look in the same size 5 outfit. It's hard to strike a balance. I had a picture in mind of the outfit or at least the style of outfit I wanted. I found some cute things at Wet Seal, but their sizing system is for anorexics. I went to Lane Bryant and found a pair of pants I liked, but I didn't care for any of the shirts they had. I wanted to buy pants and shirts together and not try to match something at another store, so I left without buying the pants. We let the kids play at the play area, bought an ice cream cone and left for home. All the kids fell asleep in their car seats, so we stopped at Lowe's on the way home so Kevin could get a length of pipe for a repair in the basement. I waited in the car with the sleepyheads. We came home, gave the kids dinner, let them watch a movie, then sent them to bed at 6:50pm!! They were tired! We may regret that decision tomorrow morning when they wake up at 4am, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! After we got them ready for bed, I went back out to our mall (not the same one we went to earlier) and did some more shopping. I walked the whole mall, upstairs and down in search for the perfect outfit. First, I found a little country craft store where I bought some decor for my soon-to-be-relocated lighthouse bathroom. Finally, the very last store I came to was Rue21. This was the place! They had so much cute stuff! And was it cheap! I got a suede jacket, a stretchy t-shirt, a pair of suede paisley hipsters, a dark brown pair or suede lace up pants, a suede purse and a butterfly necklace for $90!! I then went to Payless and got a pair of brown boots. They have a about a two inch heel, which is what I wanted because the pants are a tad long. I'm relieved to have this outfit! I was afraid I would be going to the concert in a pair of sweats and a baggy old "mom" shirt. It's bad enough I'll be the oldest one there, I don't have to look it! We all got along so well today, Kevin and me included. If everyday was this nice... No. I won't go there. I've been having bouts of crying lately. Friday, I was driving around running my errands when I started to miss Evan like crazy. It was such a strong, deep, heartbreaking feeling. I couldn't stop crying. How am I going to leave that little boy behind in April? I can't put into words how much I love him. I managed to stop bawling and wipe the mascara from my eyes before entering Target. I saw that the new Spiderman movie was out, so I bought it for Evan, knowing he would love it. When he came home, he asked, "Did you rent Spiderman for me?" I told him no. Then when he turned around, I presented him with the new video. I love seeing his eyes light up. So little makes him happy anymore, that I love doing things to please him. It's a pretty good movie, too. I gained some perspective later and remembered that my decision to leave was well thought out and has Evan's best interests at heart. He's been asking me lately if he can go with me to California. This breaks my heart in two. I would love to have him with me, but he really would be better off here. His doctors and his wonderful teachers are here. He has so many advantages living here that he would lose in California. But are those things more important than having your Mommy with you when you need her? Will he hate me if he needs me and I'm 2,000 miles away? I had a dream the other night that Evan came to see me in California. He got out of the car and he was tall and handsome and looked so grown up. He looked at me and said, "I remember you... didn't you used to be my Mom?" I'm so confused about this whole thing and I'm crying once again. I want to do what's best, but I don't know what's best. I want everyone to be happy, but in doing so, others will be hurt. Why do things have to be so complicated? There's so much more to this story. So much I can't write about here. Maybe sometime, but for now... I just can't. I just don't know what to do. I just want to stop hurting. And I want to stop hurting everyone around me. Wow, this entry turned from happy and jovial to sad and tear stained. That about sums up my life. 10:36 p.m. - 2002-11-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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