ibeachalot's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I arriving at a decision? Sorry for being in such a crappy mood yesterday. I'm not really in a better mood today, but I'll try to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I'm just having such a hard time making this decision to leave. What seemed to make perfect sense a month ago, now seems like it would spell disaster for all. Evan and Jameson both have been so upset about the thought of Kevin and I splitting up. Here I thought Jameson had no idea what was going on. Lately, he's been so hateful towards me. He's been crying alot lately and telling me he doesn't want to "miss Daddy". Evan has been especially withdrawn and weepy. Evan his teachers have noticed it. He cries himself to sleep at night. Last night, he ran down an entire year's worth of activities that I would miss out on. A few days ago, he realized I wouldn't be here for his birthdays, but yesterday he pointed out all the other things I would miss if I were to move to California. "Mommy!" he cried, "What if there are parties at school? How can you see what the Easter Bunny brings me? What if I lose more teeth? I want to watch fireworks with you! You won't get to see me go to my first day of second grade! I won't get to give you a birthday hug! I won't get to have Thanksgiving with you! Please don't leave me Mom!" Okay, so he's not the only kid in the world in this situation. Every child of divorce feels the same way, except usually it's with their Dad departing. But this is happening to my child. How can I do that to him? How can I find happiness knowing he needs me? And I'm afraid that his sadness now would turn to bitterness and resentment later. I couldn't bear it if he one day hated me for abandoning him. I just don't think I can do this! And then there's the issue of money. How am I supposed to support myself and two kids? Yes, Kevin would be sending support along, but not very much. I don't want him to go broke, either. I thought I could make ends meet selling things on ebay or doing cleaning here and there. Shit, I can't sell things on ebay now! I have seven auctions right now with no bids and seven others just closed with no bids. These are things I've had listed numerous times. I've lost so much money on listing fees, even if the shit did sell, I've be in the red on them. So much for earning a living doing this. My head aches from thinking all the time!! I can't sleep well at night with all the "what ifs" clobbering me. They're driving me insane. I hate being an adult. Hate it! I wish I could go back to a time when things were simple. I guess I've made the decision to stay here. That what it sounds like, doesn't it? Now comes the hard part... It involves the California end of this matter. Telling him. Oh, how I dread it. I hope I can go through with it. If Kevin agrees to sit down with me and discuss some issues and if he's willing to get help for his anger (although he's been wonderful the past couple of weeks) I think maybe we can make a go of things. I wish I could trust my own decision-making, but I know the mistakes I've made in the past. 10:16 a.m. - 2002-11-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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